Tuesday, May 13, 2014

When I have tenure, I will

...not take your paper if it is not stapled. (Pro-tip - if the classroom didn't have a stapler when the first paper was due, it is unlikely that the stapler elves have since provisioned us with one)

...speak up at faculty meetings when your idea is asinine

...grade fairly and fail people who deserve it

...not be grading papers at 1 a.m. on a Saturday

...not take any lame-o excuse offered me. "What, Johnny, you couldn't wake up for our 12:30 p.m. class? I understand. Just get me the work when you can (omg please remember me at evaluation time)

...say no to stupid meeting where you are just giving announcements. I hate when you read paper to me

...Not go to every honor society induction (3rd one in 2 weeks coming up - many of the same faces0

...use my personal social media accounts to shill for the Uni

...research important questions instead of just stuff that's easy to shove out the door in a hurry

...not answer e-mail outside of business hours

...vote against the dean's or provost's ideas when they are dumb

...Work more with junior faculty and with students so then can succeed, too.

...Maybe blog under my own name. Maybe.

-- Dr. Amelia

Play along in the comments!


  1. ...Tell campus visit caliber interviewee's when another candidate was selected and not leave them wondering in the ether.

  2. ... say "no" without feeling guilty.
    ... say "no" repeatedly and with glee.
    ... say "no" to every single request.

  3. --take a sabbatical (do they still allow those? Well, it's irrelevant anyway, since it's highly unlikely that I'll ever have tenure. Right now, I'd settle for a nap).

  4. Dear Amelia,

    Great to hear you'll do all this, since my undergraduate education was marred by proffies who abused their tenure by coasting to retirement, not doing any research and wouldn't you know teaching us things that were so out of date they'd be laughable, except for the stunningly high tuition they were charging to do it. One thing, though: I'd keep blogging under your own name on the "maybe" list. As Batman could tell you, your effectiveness as a crimefighter depends on your identity being secret.

    Cue the Batman theme!

    Da-DA-da-DA-da-DA-DA-DA! BATMAN!

    Back to the real world, or at least as close as we get to it in academia: my undergraduate days instilled in my a real contempt for tenured proffies who abuse their tenure by coasting. There's only one thing lower: tenured proffies who abuse the adjuncts. It makes we want to go SOCK! POW! POWIE!!! BUT of course, unlike Batman, I wield a mean STAPLE GUN! (Twitch! Twitch!)

    1. Or, if you're more intellectually inclined (fancy that, for a university professor), you might take the advice of The Prisoner: the poignant thing about innocence (or anonymity) is that one can lose it only once.

      (I never could make head or tail of the final episode, but that was the whole point.)

  5. I'm with Frode. Blog anonymously--the Kansas BOR just approved some rules on their faculty and staff regarding what they say on social media. If they can't prove it's you, you can say whatever the hell you like.