Friday, May 23, 2014

New Blood Smackdown

I've decided to try my hand at some smackdown. I've read some top-shelf smack here and in the pages of CM and RYS so I know that I am but a novice in the shadow of some great smackmeisters. But I've always wanted to try it so here goes. In this case I'm spanning the past four years, digging deep into my spleen with a fondue fork while shamelessly letting the schadenfreude pour over me like a bucket of ice-cold water at a wet t-shirt contest. I have felt the pain, but also the pleasure. Sometimes at the same time. I relived it all as I wrote this. It was exquisite.

H - I remember when you took my class for the first time, the first of several we would share together. When you came to my office asking what you could do to improve your grade I said, "One thing….leave your phone in your backpack. You sit every day with your earbuds in and text continuously. If you just leave the phone out of the equation your grade will go up." Remember how you thanked me and told me how much you appreciated the advice because a couple of years ago you had had "a serious problem with phone addiction?" Then continued to do the same thing for the rest of the semester and failed the course? Glad I could help. If there's any other sage advice you would like to promptly ignore, let me know. That's what I'm here for. BTW, you still have a serious problem with phone addiction.


A - Yes, on your second instance of plagiarism you fail the course, you putz. This is bold printed in the syllabus and was reiterated at certain apropos times during the semester. You were warned the first time you did it and two of your friends have already met this fate. Your loud and falsetto position that this policy is "totally unfair and too harsh" does not persuade. What's that now? You want to know who you can talk to about this? Well, maybe you could write a letter to Dear Abby. I think someone's still doing that column, right? Other than that I got nothing.

N - It is great that you have found a solution to your problem after failing (for the second time) my class which, according to you, is "impossible to pass." Your idea? You are going to take it at a Juco and transfer the credit here? That won't work as this is an upper division course in the major and the Jucos have nothing higher than sophomore level classes in our discipline. I especially enjoyed your demand that I supply you with a list of Jucos that offer the course next semester and give you my opinion of each instructor (ASAP!). I think you have me confused with the guy in the little hat that you order your burgers from. You should get to know that guy. He's your future boss.

N2 - You applied for graduation two weeks past the deadline during the second semester of your fourth year here. They got such a chuckle from that in the office as you had only 70 credits. Your flabber was truly gasted when you said, "But I've been here for four years. That means I'm a second semester senior. I'm graduating and my whole family is coming to see me!" Well here's a news flash for you, my little popsicle. You have to actually pass the courses you take to get credit. Failing grades and withdrawals don't count. It's not the penitentiary. It's not time served. Further, I can't pull rank and tell the assistant professor teaching your other class to pass you because I am "a real professor and not just an assistant". It's also not the military.

A2 - No. You can't reschedule the final exam because you promised your friend that you would help with the English Department's Renaissance Faire. The exam is over at noon and that's when the Faire begins. Oh, but you have to get there early to help prepare the food before it's served? Well I guess you have a decision to make. You can either skip the exam and get an F, or sit for it and get the F you're already guaranteed for producing little work and earning a stellar 28% so far this semester. (Why are we even having this conversation, you friggin' moron?) Either way I'm coming to the Faire just so I can make you run your ass off getting me some beers and those gigantic turkey legs I love so well. Who knows? There might be a future in it for you.

H2 - I think it's so nice that [someone] has been willing to pay all of this money year after year so that you have a place to hang around with your friends and show off the latest fashions. ("I can't believe I'm about to go spend $2100 on SHOES!", you exclaimed at the end of class one day.) Granted, you really are quite pretty with all the right parts in the right places. However, your tastes run from Saturday night hooker to nearly naked. Remember when you volunteered to work our department's "Jr./Sr. High Visitation Day" and wore an outfit with the least amount of cloth I've ever seen that was still classified as clothes? Was that an accident or did you just enjoy the little boys staring at you all day with their legs crossed? I thought so. My advice to you is to marry well before the bloom falls off the rose. Left to your own abilities, you'll walk BAREFOOT and starve.

Well there it is. Please don't judge these too harshly because they came from the heart. I don't really have that many smack-worthy students. Actually these all refer to the same person. To top it all off, I saw her [new] name on some other poor bastard's roster for the Fall. She's recently gotten married (solved H2 above) and is already using her new hyphenated name (think: Schiesse-Ferbranes). Pain and pleasure, people. Pain and pleasure.

-- Fiddlebright

17 comments:

  1. This, my friend, is a masterpiece!!! All pleasure on my end!!!

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  2. What a delightful use of words!

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  3. They call her "Hard hearted Hannah"/ the vamp of Savannah/ the meanest gal in town...."

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    1. "And all the boys at the bar / began to sing along: / If you'll be my Dixie chicken / I'll be your Tennessee lamb. . ."

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  4. Bravo - but appalling this was all regarding the same person.

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  5. . . .already using her new hyphenated name (think: Schiesse-Ferbranes).

    Delicious smack!

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  6. Brilliant! And I did not see that plot twist coming.

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  7. Hey, these are great! You may be a novice, but these could be the work of a veteran smackmeister! But then, smackdown is like the blues: top-notch technical chops are good, but what's really essential is that it must come from the heart.

    However, I must point out a spelling error. It should be "Scheisse-Ferbranes," not Schiesse-Ferbranes." As Frank Zappa observed, anytime the Creator of the Universe has anything of cosmic importance to say, it is said IN GERMAN. But then, if your student really does spell it "Schiesse-Ferbranes," that's about par for the course, no?

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  8. Ach du lieber! You're right of course, Mr. Frankenstien. (Wait, isn't it Frankenstein?) :-) Please forgive my error as I had a fondue fork in my side and was distracted, although in a good way. But I wouldn't want this one's name to be listed incorrectly. It's scheisse all the way!

    Thank all of you for your kind words. It is so good to know that there are those who still enjoy good smack.

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    1. > Wait, isn't it Frankenstein?

      Although my grandfather did spell it that way, when I told my lab manager it was now "Frankenstien," he said, "You gotta be putting me on!" He also asked, "Do you also pronounce your name 'Froderick'?" He's a fine one to talk, though, since he pronounced his name "EYE-gor." His grandfather used to work for my grandfather, you know: and as he promptly informed me, the rates have gone up.

      (To anyone to whom this sounds incomprehensible: see the 1975 film "Young Frankenstein," by Mel Brooks.)

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    2. Good smack is to be savored like fine wines, or explosions, the way they do on Mythbusters.

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    3. You mean from a safe distance? At least that's how I like my explosions. With fine wine it's more hand to hand combat.

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  9. Love the reference to needing to get to know the manager at a fast-good joint. Great and apparently well-deserved smack-down.

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    1. Damn you, autocorrect. Because "fast-good" makes so much more sense. *throws device against wall. **then panics and picks it up to soothingly pat it better.

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    2. I suggest you watch a YouTube replay of Ritchie Blackmore's performance at Cal Jam '74, in which he smashed up a TV camera, more than one guitar and several amps, and then accidentally setting the stage on fire. The crowd loved it, of course: at the time, I thought it was all part of the act.

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  10. That's some quality smack. I hope she graduates soon -- or maybe not. On second thought, her tuition payments for retaken courses may be making a significant contribution to your institution's budget.

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