Monday, May 5, 2014

If I smack them, do they not bleed?

Laid-back Lester: Actually, I am tempted to give you an award for consistency. Everything you turned in this semester was late. And each time, by 10-15 minutes, whether due in class or due at my office. Every. Single. Thing. I swear I once saw you wait in the hall until ten minutes after class started and THEN come into class to turn in your work. Is it passive aggression? Does it give you a masochistic frisson of pleasure to get that 20% hit on each item? Or is it just too much trouble to set your fucking watch?

Giggly Gladys: You giggled as you asked if I would have the exam reworks graded before the final. Would it make a difference in your preparation if you knew your grade, I asked? Oh yes, you giggled, if I failed the exam rework (failed? an open book, open-notes rework?) then I’ll fail the course so I won't bother about the final exam, ha, ha. Really? You’d choose to take this course with me AGAIN? I am SO tempted to pass you just so I DON’T have to take you again. And stop with the laughing gas, already.

Snarky Simon: Although you were funny, and apparently praising (sucking up to) me; at the same time you were also dissing my colleagues. And as much as that makes me secretly pleased, as much as I believe that they are worthy of moderate contempt compared to my shining brilliance, still I would guess that you do the same to all of us – dissing the other faculty while sucking up to the one you’re talking to. Yes I laughed, but I won't increase your grade.

To all my precious snowflakes: Don't take it personally you all (ok, yes, take it personally), but I be making a not-so-subtle snark when handing out little treats at the end of final exam tomorrow: here, everyone, have some Dum-Dums. Yes, we will have our little jokes.

-- Horrible Meanie Prof



  1. Snarky Simon will probably end up being hated in his office... or he'll end up a professor.

  2. ooooh...dum dums. That's evil. I love it.

  3. I'd be cautious with Gladys. Some (though not all) relentlessly smiley/giggly students (usually female) turn out to be really mean when writing anonymous comments on evaluations (and some apparently-sullen students are quite kind, or at least fair). It's an odd phenomenon; I don't quite understand it, but I've seen it enough to justify caution. The most over-the-top vitriolic eval comment I ever got was written in glitter pen, with little circles over the i s. Maybe conforming to a vapid feminine stereotype eventually takes a toll on a person?

    I don't get the Simons, either. I haven't encountered them so much as students, but I do sometimes wonder whether people who've told me far too much about the lives of people I don't even know realize that I'm quite deliberately not telling them much at all about myself.

    As for Lester, sometimes I fear that I AM Lester (though not quite so deliberate or passive-aggressive). So I guess Lesters sometimes grow up to be professors, too. As, I suppose, do some Gladyses. For the sake of preserving AWC collegiality, we probably shouldn't start naming the disciplines/departments in which we expect these students to turn up, should they somehow manage to obtain a Ph.D. Of course if they turn up in administration without serving as faculty first, there's always a chance they obtained the thing in the simplest way possible: mail order (departmental search committees may be every bit as inefficent and inhumane as Dr. Amelia suggested last week, but they do seem a bit better than whoever hires administrators -- higher ed or K-12 -- at recognizing a diploma-mill degree when it's sitting in plain sight on a c.v.).

  4. I'm handing out dum-dums at the end of every semester from now on. I'll probably not be able to hold in my giggles though.

  5. A friend suggested that it might have been a better idea (and just as snarky) to hand out Smarties.