My university has an exclusive contract with a major soda company and we have been reminded more than once that only certain cola products may be served at official events! Even if the prof pays out of his/her own pocket. This is an imagined official memo describing the policy.
-- Middle Aged and Morose
A reminder to all faculty and staff that Stuffy University has an exclusive contract with the Big Cola Company to supply all beverages for official events sponsored by the university. Accordingly, faculty are reminded that classes and office hours are both “official” university activities and so beverages produced by companies other than Big Cola are not to be consumed during class or office hours. This includes beverages brought from home such as coffee or tea. Faculty and staff may consume non-Big Cola products in their private vehicles while arriving or departing from campus, but are requested to keep all containers below window-level so that they may not be observed from those outside the vehicle. When driving between campuses only Big Cola products may be consumed.
In order to further cement the university’s relationship with Big Cola, some additional measures will be implemented.
Faculty and staff coffee machines will be removed immediately.
Faculty are required to bring a full bottle of a Big Cola product to every class. The bottle must be displayed prominently so that the entire class will see it for the entire duration of the class session. The choice of container size and the specific brand to be displayed are up to the discretion of the individual instructor, but the 20 oz. size is recommended as being both easy to transport while still being large enough for students throughout the classroom to see. The instructor need not consume the product in class, although this is encouraged.
Reimbursement for work-related expenses will no longer be paid in cash, but will be reimbursed with Big Cola products. Reimbursement forms will be updated to allow faculty and staff to request a specific product. Only one product will be distributed per request, however, when submitting multiple reimbursement requests, you may request a different Big Cola product for each individual form.
The university mascot will be replaced by the Big Cola Penguin, and the school colors will be changed to the Big Cola Company colors-- green, black and teal.
While we at Stuffy honor academic freedom, all professors are strongly encouraged to incorporate Big Cola products into their lessons. For example, a chemistry class might include the famous “dropping a Mentos into a bottle of Big Cola” experiment. Philosophy and Theology classes might discuss the morality of serving guests a product made by a company other than Big Cola, which by definition would be inferior. History classes might discuss the history of the Big Cola Company as a prime example of the international success of an iconic American company. Classes designed for our student athletes might consider scheduling burping contests using Big Cola products. The provost will be examining a random selection of syllabi to monitor instructors’ conformance with this request.
Finally, we regret that after last month’s regrettable counterfeit label incident, the administration has authorized campus security to examine the contents of bottles and cans at random to ensure that only genuine Big Cola products are being consumed on campus. Also, faculty and staff are now required to consume beverages from their original container. Individual glasses, mugs, cups, etc. may not be used to consume liquids. They may be retained to store pencils, paper clips, and such items.
We thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Working together with Big Cola we are certain that Stuffy University will continue its march into the future as an example to educational facilities worldwide.
Mr. Pibb, Campus Cola Councilor