Thursday, February 27, 2014

Smackdown, smackdown! Getcher smackdown heah!

Wheedling Will: Why, oh why is it that EVERY time I say “no” to something, you take it as an invitation to ask me AGAIN if you can? “Can I meet with you at noon?” No, I have a meeting. “But just for 5 minutes?” NO! “But I need to talk to you and-” NOOOOOO! “Can I redo the lab work?” No. “But I didn’t get the results right the last-“ NOOOOOO!  Please remove the word “but” from all of your conversations with me. Unless you are using its homophone - together with “head” -  to describe yourself.

Superior Sally: Yes, I know that some of my posted files are in older versions of Word, and it would be super keen if every one of the 250 or so posted files on the LMS were updated into the latest and greatest versions of the Office suite. I DO, unfortunately, have just a few higher priorities, so next time you bring it up I’ll take it that you are volunteering to do it for me. I’ll give you an extra-special pat on the back for every typo you find and correct.

Klutzy Karim
: STOP! DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING ELSE IN THE LAB EVER AGAIN! We may have to replace every item you have ever even breathed on in the lab, you are such a walking disaster area. STOP throwing your hands around when talking (several pieces of glassware). STOP looking at your classmate when your hands are working equipment (sample jammed into instrument). STOP using devices before you have read the instructions (melted wires and setting off the smoke alarm). Darwin may win in the end, but I’d like to avoid your taking innocent others with you when you remove yourself from the gene pool.

Deceitful Desiree: You were late. You didn’t sign in before the sign-in sheet was collected. After class when I was distracted talking to another student, you reached into my bag to get the sign-in sheet.  If you ever touch my personal things again, I will take YOUR bag/purse, empty all the belongings onto the front desk, and auction off anything I don’t want to keep myself to the highest bidder. After I cut your hands off.

Horrible Meanie Prof

6 comments:

  1. Re: Desiree -- I once had a student sneak behind me and start rummaging through the course folder on my desk, supposedly "looking for a quiz." I seriously almost struck her. (I could have claimed it was an accident too because she was literally RIGHT BEHIND ME!)

    What barn did these brats grow up in?

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    1. (sarcasm on) It's called being "accessible" and "approachable" and helping your students "succeed". (sarcasm off)

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  2. These are indeed first-quality smacks (with Klutzy Karim the tastiest). What a special pleasure it must be to have all four of these delights in a single term.

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  3. A classic work of smackdown. Re: the rummaging though one's shit-- does this happen to male profs, or is it a 'fetching from mommy's purse' (communal property) thing?

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    1. It sure doesn't happen to me, not when I have my trusty STAPLE GUN!

      STAPLES!!! (Twitch! Twitch!)

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    2. It also happened when I gave quizzes back, and a student who came in late would invariably come up to my desk while I was writing something on the board, and would start to rifle through my papers looking for his quiz.
      I went to his seat and made the motion as if I was going to look through his bag, when he stopped and asked me what I was doing. I replied, "I am looking for your quiz." He got the message and waited until after class to ask me for it. Problem solved.

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