Thursday, February 6, 2014

Shall we play a game?

The Winter Olympic games are starting this weekend.  Not to be outdone by an international competition of the greatest athletes competing in a centuries-old tradition with roots dating back to antiquity, I bring you the first installment of ...

Play Online with Other Proffies.  Who wants to POOP?  (Don't raise your hand if you're ready.)  Good!  Everybody's ready.

Here's how it works.  I give you a topic.  You give me a short answer in the comments.  After a few days, I'll collect your answers and create a poll.  You vote for your favorite response.  Then, you come back to vote again and again and again and again because I am doing this only to increase page views.

Let's POOP together.


Name an Olympic sport appropriate for our students.

Many of you might have the same idea.  Ties go to the most creative version of the answer.  "Texting" will lose to "Synchronized Downhill Texting."

Ready.  Set.  GO!

47 comments:

  1. I want to POOP! I want to POOP!

    Gold medals for blending in with the scenery at Sochi: snowflakey, unprepared, and an embarrassment to students worldwide.

    Gold medals in fabricating truth.

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  2. administrative Mogul Skiing: bouncing from one office to the next until s/he finds the administrative that will change a grade, waive a rule, etc

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  3. Snowflake Combined -
    Large Attitude Proffie Jumping: See how far over Proffie's head they can jump when they're pissed.
    Cross-Campus Kvetching: Denigrate Proffie's intelligence, appearance, and any other -nce they can come up with in front of as many other students as possible without the riot police being called.

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    Replies
    1. You beat me to the name, but I pictured a different activity.

      For the jumping component: See how far fetched a lie they can tell. Performance is a combination of distance and style points.

      For the cross country component: A pursuit-style distance race through the student discipline and appeals bureaucracy (a hilly course with many ups, downs and hairpin turns).

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  4. Grade Curling: getting *this* close to a passing grade while parents and/or administrators frantically try to clear the way

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  5. Late Start Scramble: anyone who finishes the course with a passing grade is a winner; sadly, there often aren't enough finishers to award all three medals.

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  6. Snowflake Combined: Dean Jumping, Spring Break Sprint, Team Vodkashot 4x5.

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  7. Snowflake Slopestyle: Points earned for number of social media/internet sites students can be on at once, while their cellphone ringer provides background music.

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  8. Synchronized Staring. "Any questions? Anyone? Any comment at all? Any AWARENESS that there is a person at the front of the room, talking to you about things you will be required to know..."

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  9. Academic ass-pull: athletes are give four pages to read in three days. They're asked questions on the reading, and have to grab irrelevant details from the reading and offer them as "answers." The most nonsensical, ridiculous ass-pull wins. (These games started yesterday in my morning class.)

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  10. Classroom biathlon: students skating over the point sets me up for some competitive shooting.

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  11. Academic standards low jump. Keep lowering the bar until everyone can easily pass over it.

    Snowboreding. Watch how quickly snowflakes become bored during a lecture.

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  12. Preferring Not To. [possibly an element in a combined event that also incorporates synchronized staring and the academic standards low jump -- you know, sort of like that event where people both ski and target shoot]

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  13. Downhill plagiarism: how quickly can the flakes reduce an institution's integrity? Rules? None whatsoever.

    Speed shirking: how many different activities can one student undertake during a class in order to avoid accidental learning? Bonus points awarded if the instructor updates hir syllabus as a result of any of said activities.

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  14. Half Pipe, Half Bong

    Two-man Cribbing

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  15. Maudlin excuse formation (singles category).

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  16. Kalamazooing: students submit quite well-written work, but then claim it wasn't them who submitted it.

    Don't have a name for this one...student submits something once, doesn't receive the instant,Yaro-like acclaim he thinks it deserves, becomes a pain in the ass for everyone ad infinitum as a result. Oh, I don't know, shall we call it "honest_profing"?

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  17. Silverback Slalom! Skillfully swooshing between meetings, committee, and department duties without hitting any of them.

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  18. Bicraplon: cheating and plagiarism together.

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  19. Buy-athlon: First event is trekking through the snow in a new pair of UGGs to get Starbucks every day and cases of beer every week. Second event is shooting down textbook requirements with claims of being a "broke college student." Bonus points for every mention of ramen.

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  20. Snowflake-Profflake Relay Triathalon. First event is the Snowflake in Just Skating By, followed by the Profflake in the Extended Cajole, after which the other judges must raise their scores to end the event.

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    Replies
    1. as it's in Russia, I hope Strel will be one of the judges. More likely to raise a muzzle than a flag, but as long as he points it at the flakes....

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  21. Don't forget that all the snowflake athletes are gold medal winners. Some expect to be awarded the gold even though they didn't participate in their events, some expect to win simply for showing up at the starting line, some think they're winners regardless of where they place, and some win because they actually earned it.

    In case there are some who don't win, the decision by the judges to award them the gold is final.

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  22. Cross-Campus Scheduling: Snowflakes who try to talk you into letting them into your class even though it conflicts with another class and they let you know that they won't be able to attend much.

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  23. Downhill Attending: Having perfect attendance until the class is certified, thus freeing up all of that financial aid, then disappearing from the face of the campus.

    Figured Skating: Snowflakes come up with higher averages for the semester than does the prof via a 'new' style of math. And goes over the prof's head if things don't go hir way.



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  24. Freestyle learning. Whatever it takes to pass.

    Scholastic relay. Snowflake goes as far as possible in a course and then passes the baton to helicopter parents. The latter then convince the administrators to move the finish line back far enough so that the snowflake passes.

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  25. Beneficence: colleagues only (sorry, snowflakes) - veteran member of RYS and CM steps in during dark times to save the day.

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  26. Team deanigrating: a group of 3 or more snowflakes trying to get an untenured proffie fired through complaints to the dean.

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  27. Team Hoop Jump.

    The team initially comprises ten players, called Faculty, who take turns jumping through a hoop held by a single Administrator, an act called Service. When the optimum schedule of Service has been found, one of the Faculty is "promoted" to Administrator, and the remaining nine Faculty must then perform Service for both Administrators. Again, just as soon as a workable schedule has been reached, a Faculty is promoted to Administrator. This cycle continues till the sole remaining Faculty is "Servicing" ten Administrators, who yearly reward each other Gold Medals as well as "Bonus" Silver Medals while dangling the Bronze Medal just out of reach of the Faculty. The event ends when the Faculty discontinues Service for undisclosed medical reasons or by virtue of being called to compete in another event known as Industry.

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  28. Academic biathlon: Spend weeks skiing away from an assignment, then demonstrate amazing powers of creativity, argument and use of supporting evidence when writing the appeal for an extension.

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  29. Synchronized elective illiteracy: Ability to read magazines about celebrities but not the syllabus or class materials. Bonus points for teams of students or number of items not read.

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  30. Procrastination ski jump: When you reach the slope, wait. Wait some more. Keep waiting. At the last possible moment, start your descent. When you hit bottom, out of control, complain that there wasn't enough time.

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  31. Shorttrack LMS Blaming: A mixed event, where all Flakes (snow-, prof-, AND admin- varietals) compete to see who can lob the first bomb of blame that "THE GODDAM BLACKWEBLMSMOODLEVISTABOARD WAS DOWN WHEN I TRIED TO TAKE THAT TEST/GRADE THAT PAPER/RUN THAT REPORT!!! WHY CAN'T YOU IT MORONS FIX IT AND/OR KEEP IT RUNNING (AND JUST WHAT ARE WE PAYING YOU FOR?)???", not losing sight of the finish line amidst the chaos of other bomb-lobbers and/or the pesky fact that they waited until the last minute to try and get their work done.

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  32. Alpine trolling: obsessively following a blog you dislike and posting negative comments at every opportunity. Bonus points for longevity and number of pseudonyms used.

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    Replies
    1. Candidates for the poll are being tabulated now. You are welcome to continue adding events here. They will be among the first entries for the next Winter Olympic POOP event, to be held in four short years. Stay tuned!

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